Quality Irrelevant

The topic of the week is ‘Witch!’ Are you a witch? Better fucking not be. All accused shall have their feet cut off and thrown in a river for being naughty.

Quality Irrelevant celebrates the Purge! In this face-grinding spectacular the boys share their patented Purge Survival Tips, disclose the gory details of their Purge schemes, and decide to take back the Purge by uniting the disparate Purge gangs of Basingstoke. No Frank Grillos allowed.

It's the trial of the century! Phil is hauled zip-tied and ball-gagged before the law, Theo pretends to be a lawyer, and Patrick Fabian splits reality with an Infinite Earth Crisis Event. It's​ also the duck special for some reason.

The podcast gets religious! Uncle Jimmy has gone to hell and we’re definitely not wanking off priests this week. Theo and Phil crack down on the wrong sort with the Sesame Street Police.

The Quality Irrelevant boys are down to their last jar of scrapings! Theo educates the youth on Harvey Fierstein, Phil pitches the sequel to the runaway smash hit “Fuck Water”, and the Zodiac killer makes contact with the podcast definitely.

It's the Christmas Special. Quality Irrelevant is joined this week by their second guest ever, Elena. Theo attempts to fence his patented Hot Spicy Moled Wine, Elena extols the virtues of Fuckapple, and Phil is definitely the Scrooge of the podcast and gets haunted by three Christmas ghosts.

It's a threeway. Quality Irrelevant is joined by its first ever guest, Chris! Theo gets far too excited pitching his film about twins, Phil comes to terms with his position as a hostage, and Chris becomes Captain America (and then abandons the podcast).

Quality Irrelevant goes to the movies. We have a trailer for some reason, Phil introduces Phil's Phun Philm Phacts and Theo launches a new product with a brilliant movie tie-in: Fuck Water! Coming to cinemas and newsagents near you!

It's war! Quality Irrelevant is now the official Ministry of War Correspondence. The duo come up with a cross-media marketing scheme to recruit a child army for the war effort, and nobody gets prosecuted for war crimes.

The Quality Irrelevant boys spend far too long analyzing their own dynamic. Phil pitches another brilliant film for brilliant Patrick Fabian and Theo ponders who truly are the Gregory the House amongst us. No Homers.

Say no to getting hit by a car! Phil gets brain surgery, Theo causes a building to collapse on the smallfolk, and the Frooiti Boyz terrorise the local schools with 90s nostalgic horseshit.

Theo samples the souls of the innocent and a policeman's leg, Phil discovers that Jaffa cakes are definitely fruit and, in a misguided attempt to lampoon that one awful movie with the magicians that we just can't stop talking about, the duo pitch the same fucking film twice. Also urine.

Quality Irrelevant gets scientific! Experiment with us as Theo combines cheese and water, Phil drives Theo to insanity by revealing the plot of the godawful film, 'Now You See Me', and the duo expose the dark science Pedo-Terminators. Also turtles, Sam Neill, and it's all fine.

This week, all shall perish! Join Quality Irrelevant for another week of perfectly segued flowing horseshit. Theo comes to the conclusion that Zool is not relatable, Phil calls out Wild Wild West for being terrible, and the pair soldier through another film pitch for Patrick Fabian.

Quality Irrelevant reveals itself as the Appleman of podcasts. Theo celebrates Easter the traditional way, Phil lays out a five year plan for Patrick Fabian, and the pair discuss their plans for the upcoming Purge.

It is the Beetleborgs special of Quality Irrelevant, and more obscene than ever! Phil continues his crusade to make Patrick Fabian infamous, and Theo trademarks his own brand of sneezes. The pair realise they are connected in more ways than one amidst nipple drama.

Things are looking up, Phil is captured by possibly robots while Theo gets invited to dinner with the C.H.U.D.s. In this episode Quality Irrelevant makes Patrick Fabian infamous, expels magicians from society, and draws the line at threatening the assassination of famous babies.

Quality Irrelevant becomes the 1%, then performs a heel-face turn to represent the downtrodden and rage against the man. Theo has too many ideas, while Phil is insolent and becomes a wendigo.

There is no theme this week. Theo sits upon a throne of dead spiders while Phil becomes Mayor and saves the world from itself. The pair harass the public via mail and compare pre-dream journals. Quality not guaranteed.

Finally the podcast gets political, solves all crime, and continues to be more mainstream than the mainstream. The world remembers Phil as both man and monster, Theo dreams big while eating jelly, and the duo create the best art.